Peeling an egg
Today it hurts to stand and peel an egg. I usually have a boiled or poached egg for breakfast every morning with avocado and a slither of home made bread, toasted and followed by a smoothie to take my plethora of supplements. I am a believer in a protein based breakfast whether it be animal and/or plant based.
My understanding is that veganism statistically, is on the rise and has in fact overtaken the figures of all those that are choosing to eat without gluten. With this knowledge in mind I am hoping that my choosing to have an egg for breakfast does not offend anyone.
Life is largely about choices and decisions.
I am staring at one of the biggest and life changing decisions I have ever had to make and believe me, I have had plenty of others in my path and some of which I now question as to whether or not I made the right decision for me. But that is for the pondering, not the regret.
The pain and odd weakening sensation that I experience when standing or walking can be so debilitating that I have to abandon whatever it is I am doing to seek respite. I HAVE to lie down. There is rarely a choice. I just have to lie down before I fall down.
Most of the time it works, if only temporarily.
I have experienced a very difficult week this week after feeling much more positive. This week has been a set back, both physically and psychologically.
I was beginning to feel better, so much so, I actually left the house with confidence, last Sunday for a special reunion with a group of friends I have known for a long time. It was an exciting event full of love, sentiment and fond memories for those who were present, missing those that could not make it and remembering those who are no longer here.
I felt happy. I felt ‘normal’. I was not preoccupied with the pain. I was determined to be like everyone else. It was a fantastic day and has hopefully created another memory for all of us who were there to share.
But I have seriously paid for it this week. I have been in pain, a lot of pain for most of this week. I have had to spend a lot of time lying down, as this is when I have respite. I have spent most of this time in a state of all encompassing inertia. Unable to think, definitely unable to do anything else, other than contemplate this situation, my situation in hand, and even then, not sure of any reality.
The pain has become me.
For those of you who might not know, I have been trying very hard to avoid the open spinal surgery which has been offered to me to repair my Spondylolisthesis which means my L4 has fractured and slipped over my L5 and has taken the discs either side of it and is now pushing into my spinal cord.
The neurosurgeon has suggested that surgery should be the decision that is made only after all other attempts of treatment have not worked.
This type of spinal surgery is about your symptoms, if you can get them to a manageable place then don’t have the surgery. That is all I have been trying to do but am now wrapped in anxiety as I am now beginning to feel as if I can no longer achieve this.
I have had and am having a lot more scans and x rays this month and am then meeting with the neurosurgeon next month to get the results and to then make a well informed decision, whatever that decision is I have to remember that this is a choice and my decision.
My fear is that if I leave it I will get to a place when I am older and that I have no choice. I might have to face incontinence and/or paralysis is the worst case scenario.
My fear about having it done is that this may happen to another vertebra so I may have to make the same decision again in the near future. I have other conditions in my spine which means my spine is already rather under par, which increases the postoperative risks.
I also have a fear and one that we could all perhaps share, and that is about our dear NHS and it’s future. Will it still be there as we grow older and more likely to become ill? What will become of us all without this almighty caregiver on which we all depend.
Once you have the metal work put in and all those nerves pushed around, muscles pulled out of the way. Once it has happened, you can just pray that you will be one of the lucky ones when you will feel the benefits and it will all feel worthwhile. It cannot be undone. I will need a walker, a grabber, orthopaedic pillows for my back and my knees. I will need someone here 24/7 for the first few weeks when I come out of hospital.
I continue to feel blessed with those around me by whom I am lucky enough to feel cared for but I would like to think that I am not someone who just simply burdens others. I enjoy my home and garden, the thought of not being able to host, to care for others to watch my small little green outside sanctuary become unmanageable actually really upsets me. Summer is not a good time to not be able to ‘do’. I thought last summer was hard enough as I became increasingly unable to ‘do’ but this one might prove to be a much bigger struggle.
I have been unfortunate enough to experience several other health hiccups but have managed to date to get to a place whereby I can carry on and manage my life at times seemingly as if there was no diagnoses to take into consideration.
But what I fear most of all is that this one might be beating me.